Breast Cancer Support

How do you show your support after a breast cancer diagnosis? What do you say when you don’t know what to say?  Until I was faced with my own journey, I never realized quite how delicate the topic can be.

So your loved one or close friend had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  You want to be supportive and you want them to know that you are there for them.   What are the right words to say?  Most importantly, what words should you avoid?  The answer is simple, yet complicated.  Everyone’s response to their diagnosis is unique.  Some may experience the grieving process where they are in denial at first, some may be totally devastated, while others, may have a sense of peace.  This is not all inclusive, as many people will have all these feelings, at some point, like me.

So what do you say?  My personal advice is to first be OK with saying nothing and just being there when needed.  Some people feel that they have to say something encouraging.  Encouragement is always helpful, and seems simple but I learned during my journey that what may be encouraging to the sender wasn’t always encouraging to me.  I would like to first share those things that helped encouraged me during my journey.  Then I will share those comments that weren’t helpful at all.

5 Things That Were Most Encouraging

1-Regular text messages

I had 4 people in my life that would send me a message of encouragement on EVERY chemo day. Though I dreaded going to my chemo treatments, I looked forward to my Wednesday messages.

2-People that let me vent

Often times I did not need anyone’s advice, nor their opinion.  Sometimes, I just wanted to vent.  I was angry and frustrated and wanted to let that out.  I also enjoyed time to share my story and experience, once I was ready.

3-People that allowed me to cry

Those were tears of sadness, despair, and often times discouragement.  I just wanted to let them out.  As unhealthy as it sounds, I wanted permission to have a pity party (briefly) and not feel like I was weak, or not holding it together.

4-People that didn’t debate my decision or feelings

As mentioned,  I didn’t seek much advice or opinions.  What I was feeling was my perception, therefore my reality.  I had periods of irrational thinking, where I wanted to stop treatments, or even change my treatment plan.  But there were also some decisions that not everyone agreed with, like me decision to not have a bilateral mastectomy.  I needed that ability to make decisions without judgement.  There were times when I felt defeated and really sick, and I appreciate those people who just listened and sympathized with my feelings.

5-Meals

I didn’t appreciate the meals at first because I had no appetite and food was the last thing on my mind.  But having meals for my family relieved some burden.  Our church family was extremely helpful in this area.  I even had friends that gave gift cards to fast food restaurants.  Likewise, those were equally helpful.  Especially on those days where my doctors appointments and chemo treatment took up an entire day.  It was easy to grab a pizza for dinner on the way home.  If you don’t know what to do to show support, drop a gift card in the mail, those were some of my most pleasant surprises.

5 Not So Helpful Comments and Feedback

1-Being told I was strong

As crazy as that sounds, when I was at my weakest point, the last thing I wanted to hear was that I was strong.  What did that mean anyway?  I could not think of another instance in my life where I had to pull on the strength that was needed to get through cancer.  To me, the strength was not there at all.  I had never experienced anything as hard to deal with as cancer.

2-Being told I  should wear a bald head, with no wig

Losing my hair was debilitating enough.  There was absolutely no way that I was going out in public with a clean head.  To me the baldness reminded me of the struggles that I was facing and a chapter in my life that I did not want to be in.  Yes, there are a lot of people with no hair who embraced it.  I wasn’t one of them.

3-Being told that I looked good

Although I know it was intended as a compliment, it wasn’t always received that way.   I often felt that it was expected that I would look bad.  In spite of the fact that the outward appearance may not have looked it, the inside was totally torn apart.  I felt way worse than I looked.

4-Being told they heard there was a cure for cancer

This almost made the top of the list.  These comments literally made me want to explode.  I would love for there to be a cure for cancer.  It was just hard for me to believe that there was a cure out there and my oncologist and other doctors were holding out on me.

5-Being told about other people who had cancer

Hearing of other peoples diagnosis initially made me very sad.  It was hard to hear of so many peoples lives being turned upside down like mine.  Stories with good outcomes were sometimes uplifting, but not always.

It is hard to watch your loved one or friend suffer.  One of the most important things you can do it just listen and be there.  Offer specific help rather than the opened ended offer of “let me know if you need anything”.  If they are like me, we are likely to seek out help.  Expect an array of emotions, and don’t pass judgement.  Allow for privacy.  While I felt open with my diagnosis and talking about it, I was very private when it came to doctors appointment and chemo treatments.  I only felt comfortable with my immediate family present, as those appointments often brought out emotions that I did not always want to share openly.

Everyone is different in the way that they respond to their diagnosis.  Listening to your loved ones or friends needs, and just binge there for support, goes a long way.