Today is my anniversary. The anniversary of being diagnosed with breast cancer.  Invasive… Ductal …Carcinoma. I remember those words echoing in my ear as the radiologist delivered the results of my breast biopsy. That was exactly 1 year ago today.  Unfortunately, this is a very different anniversary. Not an anniversary with happy memories, like of your wedding day, on your 1 year anniversary.  Not even the happy memory like that of your child’s 1st birthday, as you look over the previous year in awe at their growth and advancement.  But rather an anniversary that I would have been more than happy to not be celebrating today.  What a huge difference one year makes.

The Diagnosis

That Friday, February 5th was a typical Friday, with nothing out of the ordinary.  I went to work as expected, sat though my 9am meeting not even expecting to receive biopsy results today.  To my surprise following my meeting I had a missed call from the Radiologist with a voice message asking me to return her call.  She sounded pretty normal to me, so I decided to return her call as I walked through the halls to my office.  Just as I sat at my desk, I vividly recall the words, “your biopsy was positive”.  It actually took a few seconds for me to process what she was saying.  Initially I thought “positive” as in good results, right? But unfortunately that wasn’t the case.  When I asked for clarification that’s when I heard the dreaded next few words …”invasive ductal carcinoma“.  I didn’t know much about cancer, but I knew that invasive wasn’t good, and carcinoma meant cancer.

Yes, she was really telling me that I had breast cancer.  The radiologist then recommend that I see a surgeon right away and within 2 days I had an appointment with the surgeon.  During those two days of waiting I was in a daze and shed a lot of tears.  Mostly tears of anxiety as well as fear of the unknown.  During that time I kept asking myself, did that phone call really happen?  Were those results correct?  Were those my actual results?

The Surgeon Visit

Finally, time to see the surgeon to sort this all out, I thought. During the visit with the surgeon, my husband and mom were both there with me for support.  And boy did I need it!  The surgeon confirmed my fears, that I did in fact have breast cancer and the results were not an error.  My vision was totally blurred with tears, as I listened to the surgeon describe how the testing was done assuring me that the results were accurate. I felt like I was having an outer body experience.  I felt like I wasn’t really physically sitting there, but rather listening in on someone else’s results.  So much information was given. I knew there was no way I could remember all this information, after all I was still focused on the fact that this diagnosis was correct.  Many more tests were ordered and then a referral to the oncologist.

The Oncologist

It all happened so fast.  About four more days later and the three of us were now sitting in the office of the oncologist.  My prayers at this point was that I would not need chemotherapy, just a minor surgery to remove the lump and this could put this behind me.  Well, unfortunately the oncologist shared with me more details about my type of cancer and the recommended treatment plan included 20 weeks of chemo, before surgery. And then radiation after that due to lymph node involvement. 20 weeks of chemo!  Did he really just say 20 weeks? I remember thinking, does this doctor realize that 20 weeks was 5 months! That’s practically half the year. After clarifying with the oncologist that 20 weeks was in fact 5 months, I remember not being able to fight back the tears any longer.   Was this really happening to me?  I already knew some of the main side effects of chemo and quite frankly, I was terrified me.

And Today

So today I can look back on the last 365 days and say that I made it.  Never did I think I would make it back to a place of emotional stability.  However, don’t misunderstand, I still have days that I can’t help but cry when I think about my journey.  Those are no longer tears of sadness, but rather tears of amazement and victory. There were so many days, that I honestly didn’t know how, or if I could make it.  Such a major lifestyle change.  Hurdle after hurdle.  As soon as I overcame one side effect of the toxic regimen that I was receiving,  another side effect would rear its ugly head.  I felt like I couldn’t catch a break.  I sometimes felt defeated.  There were many days that the emotional and psychological battle was by far tougher than the physical challenges.  Some days were debilitating, some days sad, some days in pain, some days just flat out miserable.  But today, I can say that those days are behind me.  I feel almost whole again.  Though I still have reconstruction surgery ahead of me, one year later, I am cancer free.  I really made it!

For anyone out there on this journey, or helping a loved one or friend through this, just take one day at a time.  It is far too overwhelming to take in the entire journey.  One day,  you too will have an anniversary.  That day when you will have a story to tell, about your own journey.

I pray for continued healing and peace.